Puh, the gorgeous

hello, Everyone!

Today i am too dizzy with the red wine and the nice talk i had with a nice friend of mine :) So, i just cant write in this very moment, but i wanna share two pics. The first one- with the cat- is my own property;) and all rights are reserved;) The second one is Bianca Beauchamp in a sexy Christmas dress:) Enjoy;)

As a proud owner of this picture, i just cant stop showing off with it... Isn't He gorgeous?! ;)

Bianca Beauchamp is my fave fashion fetish model ;) if i havent chosen this profession of mine, i would like to be like her :) Fortunately or unfortunately... i have to be the good girl ;)

Cheers!

Yours, the dizzy Eden

Forgiveness

Forgiveness..This is what i pray every night for.. God to forgive my sins as i forgive to the others.. But it's not so easy to forgive as to pray for forgiveness :( It's one of the hardest abilities...
I need to forgive for to forget.. I need to remove this feeing from my heart.. better empty than hurting so much. But if i forgive, i'll forget, i'll empty my heart..and what then? Do i really want to forget? To continue with someone else?

Perhaps only a perfect creature can forgive with a pure heart, without hesitaion, with no bad feelings and thought.. Maybe that's why only God can forgive everything... And i am not a divine creature,i am not made of stones... i have feelings and not so pure thoughts.. And something else... We all know the legend of Pandora and her box, given by the ancient Gods.. When the box was opened, all the dab creatures, diseases, misfortunes and horrors flied away from there and the World was never the same so far... The last one that flied away from the box was the white, shiny Hope... Hope, given as a gift from the Gods to those sinful people as a majestic grace, soothing those suffering souls, suffocating in their own sorrow.

But was Hope really a gift? Or the greatest horror and punishment, torture for the weak, low humans? What is that lead us? Hope? Even when the mind is telling you0 it's over, stop! , Hope whispers- continue, fight! For what?!! For more suffering? For crawling in the mud, as a dirty old rag, thrown away, as a useless pet, banished in the dark? as a cheap slut with a smashed personality?!!

Thank You for the grace! I really appreciated it! I am on my knees with lowered eyes, begging for more of this humiliation!

Thank You , God, for purifying my soul! I feel pure and forgiving! Please, help me to forget and to empty my heart... because we all have limits, and that's my own... Please, let me be a phoenix, reborn in my own ashes, in those dark and windy evenings in the lonely winter...

They say people, who were sick of tuberculosis, were usually dying just before spring to come.. And what about those, who are sick from brokenheartosis?

It's over!

I forgive You!

Please, forgive me too...

yours, a forgiving monster

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I wish You all health, happiness and shared love!:)

Today i seemed to be quite a drooping flower.. I've never felt so lonely and sad... Even imaginative love, pretended love is much more than no love... And the human being was created with the only aim- to love and to be loved...

Whole day i am cleaning the house, trying to run away from the bad thoughts and the nightmares, together with the sounds and screams of Soulfly, Korn, Linkin Park, Deftones.. but it's just impossible :( Sadly, but true, fucking true.. Tonight i had quite strange nightmares :) My life was a kind of a law with particular articles in it and every article was a moment from it :) My lovers, my friend, everyone was there...and i was just reading the articles and seeing- see, it is so according to this law, so, that's the way it is.. I cant and i wont even try to show You the way i felt. Two words only- low and useless..

And , btw, don't make acrobatics in the bathroom! Please... I'll show You the result ;) when i upload the pics... So, You will feel not only low and useless, but also.... immobile :D Hope i'll be able to dance in January, but... who know...Hope everything to be alright! And again- no acrobatics in the bathroom and no doors, opened by legs...

brb, i have to put on the table ;) for the Christmas Dinner :) see You later

I am back again...And i dont know how it happened to me, but..i've never felt such a sorrow ever in my life! And emptiness.. And anger sometimes... To play with me as with a toy! Such a shame!
It's better just to stop here, cause it's...time to stop....

Yours, sleepy Eden

Graduation and other ends of stories..

Hello there! :)

It's been a long time since i wrote for a last time here... I am really sorry about that, but i had a lot of stuff to do and also..i gave a word to God that i wont even touch a PC (and other pussies) till i pass the last coming exam... So, thanks to God, it happened... I really want to thank God, mom, bro, my colleagues and friends for understanding me the last 4-5 months when i was just awful friend and dreadful person to communicate with! Thank YOU all for standing beside me and being good with me even though i doubt i was the best choice for a dialogue partner... It's true that i was able to communicate just with my colleagues, who just were in the same conditions as i was.. But it's up to its end... Your Eden graduated with excellent esteems her first major :) Now it's just left the state practice, then the state practice exam and the thesis of my second major and it all will be finished up;)
I believe i still cant realize it... You know, everything you do in your life till university graduation is to study and now what? Completely new life... After this Friday i realized that i am not able to answer the question - "and now what?" May plans for 25 years were up to this Friday... The only thing i was thinking while studying this last month was that when i pas the exam, Christmas is coming and the wish i made will happened, that miracles happen and that my soul-mate one will arrive on his white horse and spend with me the new year... But all this glass tower just broke up at the same Friday, in the middle of a dark street, in the winter fog, with tears, freezing on my chicks... The moment claimed to be the most important for me turned into the worst, ruined by the one that claimed to love me...and all the joy just disappeared in a second.. and a lady's voice saying- "please, Raia, don't be angry with me, i really don't know what to say..."
At this moment i was just hating myself... really, cause i am just a naive, planless, stupid idiot, who believes in miracles and doesn't open her eyes, trying to reborn something that is dead forever... I still believe that it's better to feel sorry about the things you did than for the things you missed to do! I do believe it! But i am the only one that believes so, and another one is also needed to believe it too. But the other one... i don't know, really, and don't understand it... he believes he is the wrong person about me... It doesn't sound fair, right? But this is the way it is...
Today i had a conversation with Mila.. She is one of the best friends and a colleague of mine. I told her that if i was allowed, i would do everything in this world to be with the man i love.. and do you know what she said? She just whispered in the phone..."dear, what has happened to you?!you are changed... is this the girl who was always saying - i am a bitch?!!" and so on...:))) She was surprised even though she knows me for years...or maybe just because of that..
And yes i really would do everything for to be with the One i love...

Greeting with this:

Garbage
Crush

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine

I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you

See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart

I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me

Violate all The love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I would wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.

Yours, Killing, crawling and crying Eden

the 8th of December pics

the gang ;)
me and Iluminada









brown and orange?







coming lawyers?

before catching the taxi









Since my gallery has
some probs with loading the pics, so, here i am posting few pics from our last students' day :) hope you like it;)

Now- time for studying!

Yours, Eden, who is running for the bus

Video of Patti SMITH 2007

I just love this song... This is me..

Pissing in a River....

The first time i heard this song was maybe 6-7 years ago in a movie called "All over me". The story was about a girl who was in love with her best friend, but the best friend was straight, so, our girl just went to a bar and there she met another pink-haired girl, a lovely and sweet guitarist. This song was playing while they kissed for a first time, but our girl run away, cause she was still thinking about the best friend... Finally everything got ok between her and the pink-haired one and btw, do You know now who is she? Leisha Hailey, the first one in the top list of the one hundred hotties for lesbians, released by AfterEllen website. Even Angelina is after Leisha, whom, i confess, always liked:)

But i was talking about the song... When i heard it, i began to look for it online, but couldn't find it anyway. After a lot of tortures, a friend of mine found it on a torrent and after few days downloading, he "brought it" to me.. Since then this is the song i just love singing, crying and smiling, feeling really purified after doen it.. It says everything instead of me, like a mirror or an opened book... It's like reading in someone's soul, my soul.. And it really saves life as someone had written somewhere.. That's why i am sharing it with You:)

It's time to go now, cause it's gonna be a long day tomorrow - i want to finish the banking law and then to fix up the Constitutional Law, cause there is no time.. Btw, dont think i dont have any kind of social life;) Just on the conrary. After library i am gonna go to my dance class for to dance some salsa;) I'll tell You about the dances sometimes, but not tonight! Enjoy the song and sweet dreams! Ciao!

Soft smile, Eden

Pissing in a River

Patti Smith

Pissing in a river, watching it rise
Tattoo fingers shy away from me
Voices voices mesmerize
Voices voices beckoning sea
Come come come come back come back
Come back come back come back

Spoke of a wheel, tip of a spoon
Mouth of a cave, I'm a slave I'm free.
When are you coming ? Hope you come soon
Fingers, fingers encircling thee
Come come come come come come
Come come come come come come for me oh

My bowels are empty, excreting your soul
What more can I give you ? Baby I don't know
What more can I give you to make this thing grow?
Don't turn your back now, I'm talking to you

Should I pursue a path so twisted ?
Should I crawl defeated and gifted ?
Should I go the length of a river
[The royal, the throne, the cry me a river]
Everything I've done, I've done for you
Oh I give my life for you.
Every move I made I move to you,
And I came like a magnet for you now.

What about it, you're gonna leave me,
What about it, you don't need me,
What about it, I can't live without you,
What about it, I never doubted you
What about it ? What about it ?
What about it ? What about it ?

Should I pursue a path so twisted ?
Should I crawl defeated and gifted ?
Should I go the length of a river,
[The royal, the throne, the cry me a river]
What about it, what about it, what about it ?
Oh, I'm pissing in a river.

You Are From Pluto

You are a dark, mysterious soul, full of magic and the secrets of the universe. You can get the scoop on anything, but you keep your own secrets locked in your heart. You love change and you use it to your advantage, whether by choice or chance. You don't like to compromise, to the point of being self-destructive with your stubborness. Live life with love, and your deep powers will open the world to you.

What Planet Are You From?

Doesnt it fit me well?;)
Obviously the only thing i need for to conquer the world is to..love..*blushes* All we need is love!
thanks to Inat :)

Yours, Eden, the mysterious soul ;)

Sing with me :)

Hello, Everyone! :)

I hope You're doing fine.. After the lazy Sunday after the party, the Monday was actually not so bad day.. I drank a cup of cafe with a very good friend of mine, who came for few days in Sofia and i was very happy to see her. And also i read a lot in the library..i reached the taxes law..but still not reaching the end of the list.. But there is still time and still Hope is with me, hope God to be with me too and give me strength and will to be the best! Amen!

Today i would like to tell You a real story i heard from my brother yesterday. But before that i would like to say that these days i am realizing that it's true when people say that the worst thing in someone's life is to miss... to miss that moment, which is able to change his/her life forever... cause life is short and we wont have much more opportunities to be really happy, to meet someone who is completing us, who makes us breathe... And i believe that everything is repairable..You know... when we are still live and well, still breathing, everything is possible... Cause sometimes life is going and passing, we lose it and... We have a precious creature beside us and we get used to Him/Her.. and at a moment...he/she is not there anymore...

My brother is an actor in the Sofia university theatre. They call themselves @lma @alter and the plays they put on are always quite exotic and unusual, particular... On 8th December they were organizing weddings :) Not official ones, but every kind of a marriage was allowed there. A guy married his violin, another one married the spirit of Constantine- Cyril Philosopher... At the end of the ceremonies a nice lady came there and asked if it is possible to participate, even though it was late.. So, she also stepped into a wedding.. with a picture.. a picture of her fiance... Everybody was crying during this last wedding and the only smiling person there was the bride, holding the picture of her beloved one... Even i am crying now, writing this story... But she was smiling, keeping her memories of her love, whom she lost... I dont know... why God let us meet people, who then takes back?...Why? Why we have to see what the real love is, when we have to lose it? Seneca was saying that nothing is given us forever and his life is a proof of his opinion, but... Well... i still dont understand, but believe that everything is repairable... just need a chance...

Since my tears burnt my eyes, it's better stop writing:)
But... let me share the song i am listening to now and sing with me! ;)

Aerosmith
Dream On

Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life's
in books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools and
from sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

Yeah, sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream yourself a dream comes true
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On, AHHHHHHH

Sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away...

P.S.

i wish you a nice time and...remember..love like it's the last day of your life, cause... you never know what's written about your destiny.. And no matter what we have done... it's better to feel sorry about the things you did than for the things you missed to do... I dont! Sing with me... just for today...:)

after the students' party

well, it was a nice one! Nice evening with nice people in a nice pizzaria... it was a sitting party, but we promised that after the finals we'll rock the clubs;)
btw, we made a lot of pics and videos, so.. soon i'll pick up some and post them here:)
now i really have to go.. removing the make up, going to bed, sleeping, cause tomorrow i'll go to a friend of mine and we have to read the 3rd part of our conspects for the last state final in the university.. It's the hardest one- Law of finances, taxes, budgets, currency, etc...all the best things;)

and a second btw, today, or better- yesterday, cause it's 2 am in the morning now, it was the birthday of Jim Morrison... A fave singer and artist of mine... I grew up with his art and magic and just wanted to say- happy birthday, dear Jim, wherever You are now, just know- we still love You, hun!

Good night! Bonne nuit! Buona notte! Лека нощ!

Yours, sleeping beauty ;)

Does a fairy suffer?

Does she? And what about the genies? Those with bottles? And Those without bottles? Not sure..i guess no.. But today your girl, Eden from the garden, is suffering a lot... This is how spines turn into an illusion of a spine... too much reading in the library, not too heavy clothes in the windy winter days, some days without Yoga..and the result is that i just cant feel my back, it hurts a lot...and the chimera of a massage is just flying away, faaar away...

Today i met a guy... He was my best friend for almost an year.. He was my soul-mate and His heart was beating together with mine... Fortunately or unfortunately... He got tired of a friend like me... I dont know, i really didnt understand why He did so, but... I miss him, a lot.. He was with me in the mornings, waking me up with the soft kisses of the sun and putting me in bed with the golden dreams of places where it's only us there... Like a magic turning into reality. And believe me or not, but those moments were one of the happiest moments in my whole life.. and i would do everything just to feel like this again.. To be a flor Domini, dancing and smiling, just for Him, being His Eden, with a deep branded heart... :) Sounds perfect, isnt it? But perfect things in our world, on this small planet, into this realm..is just an illusion- perfect things dont exist, but we can try to touch them, no matter we will never succeed to do so..or..Who knows? One day? They say miracles happen.. :)

So, today i met Him, just for few minutes online... He was at work, i didnt want to bother Him and just asked about His concert... "Ok" He said... i asked about my song He promised to play for me there and He said it was done as promised, called me "my dear"... small things that soften and sharpen me at one and the same time... And again i didnt find strength and i wasnt strong and brave enough for to invite Him ... Funny, isnt it? But i really wish to know Him better, in real, to show him Sofia in daylight, to share some time and happiness with Him... Just as friends... And friendship is something so beautiful and pure that shouldnt be sacrificed at the name of love...cause love is burning and destroying, but friendship is something that lasts forever, and time just makes it stronger and nicer...

It's time for me to go now..
I really need a bed and hope tomorrow to feel better, cause the party for our last 8th December is about to begin just in 20 hours! ;) Have fun!

Kisses, Eden

first day

Hello, Everyone:)

Allow me to welcome you to my garden and wish you to have a nice time here, it will be so for me, especially if you join Eden to her trip along :)

As a first post here, i wont share too much, just because i still have to collect all the thoughts running around.. when captured, trust me, they will be exposed, for sure;)

Today, here and according to our Chirch, it's the day of St. Nicola, who was a patron of the firshermen. When i was coming back from the library, where i am reading every and each sweet day of the last 4-5 months of my life, i was feeling everywhere the smell of the cooked fishes, sacrificed at the name of faith and hopes..
Since i am just beginning a new period of my life, i need it to be a new, good and even better one, when i want to be a better person and lover, to be able to give all i have and all i am to the people i love and gain their love and trust, cause they are the most important people in my life and i am just a half without them beside me. And more over.. a question.. what is a human being without another human being beside for to share love, fortunes, misfortunes, hand by hand, step by step, just creating their own "us", being whole together, walking the long hard road... :) or just like two guitarras de amor...

I believe today it is a good day for the new beginning and the new blog ,and the opening of the garden of Eden :) Please, help me, St. Nicola :) it's Your day today:) Amen :)

And finally, let me share he lyric of a song i am listening to now..

I see you found my underground
Help yourself to guns and ammo
Nothing here has ever seen the light of day
I leave it in my head


It's the first day of the rest of your life
It's the first day of the rest of your life

Don't fuck it up

You'll remember me, for the rest of your life
You'll remember me, for the rest of your life


Yours, Eden